Dear Num,
You probably can't read this. Your English stops at "hello sexy man" and "you pay bin?" But I need to write it anyway, four years after you destroyed my understanding of relationships, monogamy, and whether true love requires knowing each other's last names.
You were my massage therapist first. Wat Pho Traditional Thai Massage, the tourist one, where they fold white people into pretzels while we pretend it's therapeutic and not torture.
"You very tight," you said, walking on my spine.
"Yeah, I work at computer."
"No. You tight here." You pressed my chest. "Heart tight."
Thai massage wisdom or pickup line? Both. Neither. Thailand doesn't distinguish.
The Beginning of Confusion
Second massage, you gave me your Line ID. In Thailand, giving Line ID means either:
- You're interested
- You're networking
- You want to sell me something
- All simultaneously
Your first message: "You eat already?"
This is Thai for "I acknowledge your existence." Not dinner invitation. Not concern about my nutrition. Just... recognition.
For two weeks, every day: "You eat already?"
My responses evolved:
- "Yes, thanks" (Week 1)
- "Yes, you?" (Week 2)
- "Want to eat together?" (Mistake)
Our First "Date"
You suggested Som Tam. I suggested anywhere with air conditioning. We compromised: Som tam on the street in 38°C heat.
You ordered in Thai. Level 3 spicy for you. Level 1 for me. I still cried. You took photos of me crying. Posted on Instagram. Tagged me. Caption: "Farang boyfriend cannot eat Thai food 555."
"Boyfriend?"
"Maybe."
"After one date?"
"This date?"
"This isn't date?"
"This som tam."
Thai dating: Everything is nothing until it's everything.
Meeting Your Other Boyfriends
Week three, you invited me to your birthday party.
"My birthday already pass two month but we celebrate now."
Thai time: Past, present, future all negotiable.
At the party:
- Your Thai boyfriend: Somchai, owned a restaurant
- Your Japanese boyfriend: Takeshi, taught English
- Your German boyfriend: Hans, retired, 72 years old
- Me: confused
"These are...?"
"Boyfriends."
"All?"
"Different type."
Thai relationship categories I learned that night:
- Restaurant boyfriend (feeds you)
- Teaching boyfriend (helps with language)
- Old boyfriend (pays for things)
- Farang boyfriend (me, purpose unclear)
Nobody seemed upset. Somchai and Takeshi were comparing phones. Hans was asleep.
The Family Visit
You invited me to meet your family in Isaan.
"Boyfriend meets family," I thought. "Serious relationship."
Your family included:
- Your mother
- Your father
- Your father's second wife
- Your father's third wife's children
- Your sister's ex-husband
- Several people you called "aunt" who were clearly not related
- A German man named Klaus
"Who's Klaus?"
"Sister's boyfriend."
"I thought her ex-husband was here?"
"Yes."
"So?"
"So what?"
Thai families: Everyone who was ever connected remains connected. Ex doesn't mean excluded. Current doesn't mean exclusive.
Your mother liked me. Gave me sticky rice. Spoke to me in Isaan for three hours. You didn't translate.
"What did she say?"
"She say you good man."
"Three hours of 'good man'?"
"And you should gain weight."
The Money Conversation
Month two, you needed 20,000 baht.
"For what?"
"Mother sick."
Every Thai girlfriend's mother is sick. It's national epidemic of mothers needing exactly 20,000 baht medical care.
"What's wrong with her?"
"Sick."
"But what sickness?"
"Thai sickness."
I gave you 10,000. You weren't upset. Texted Takeshi for other 10,000. He sent it. We all had dinner together that weekend.
The Buddhism Escape Clause
"Thai people cannot angry," you explained once. "Buddhism."
"But you seem angry now."
"Not angry. Disappoint."
"About what?"
"You don't understand Thai feeling."
Thai feeling: Emotions that exist outside Western emotional vocabulary. Neither happy nor sad, neither angry nor calm. Just... Thai feeling.
When you were "disappoint," you'd disappear for three days. No texts. No calls. Then return like nothing happened.
"Where were you?"
"Home."
"For three days?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Thai feeling."
This explained everything and nothing.
The Jealousy Performance
You weren't jealous of my female friends. You were jealous of:
- My laptop (got more attention)
- My gym membership (took time from you)
- My ability to eat Western food (betrayal)
"You love computer more than Num."
"I work on computer."
"Same same."
"Not same same."
"Same same but different."
Thai logic: Everything is same same but different. Nothing is actually same. Everything is actually different. But same same.
The Language Barrier Love
Your English: 100 words maximum My Thai: 50 words, mostly food Our communication: 90% pointing, 10% Google Translate
Deepest conversation via Google Translate:
Me: "I want to understand you better." Google: "I want to understand you good." You: "Why? I here. You here. Enough."
You were right. We were there. It was enough. Until it wasn't.
The Other Farang
Month four, you got new American boyfriend. Also named Tom.
"Two Toms?" I asked.
"Tom 1, Tom 2."
"I'm Tom 1?"
"Tom 2."
"But I was here first."
"He older."
Age hierarchy trumped chronology. I was demoted to Tom 2. Accepted it. This is Thailand.
Tom 1 and I became friends. Compared notes. Discovered we were both paying for same mother's medical bills. She was very sick. Or very smart.
The Buddhist Ceremony
You became monk for two weeks. Temporarily. For your grandmother's karma.
"Can monks have boyfriends?"
"Cannot."
"So we're breaking up?"
"Two weeks only."
"Then back together?"
"If you wait."
I waited. Tom 1 waited. Takeshi waited. Hans had died but his spirit probably waited.
You returned from monastery with shaved head, new tattoos, and Korean boyfriend named Kim.
"Monk boyfriend?" I asked.
"Ex-monk now."
Time in Thailand: Flexible. Monkhood: Temporary. Boyfriends: Eternal and multiplying.
The End That Wasn't
I left Thailand. Said goodbye. You cried. I cried. Very dramatic airport scene.
Two hours later, you texted: "You eat already?"
For two years, every day: "You eat already?"
I stopped responding after six months. You still text monthly.
Last week: "Tom 2 you eat already? Have new German boyfriend. Also Tom. Tom 3. 555."
What You Taught Me
Love doesn't require:
- Monogamy
- Common language
- Understanding what's happening
- Knowing if you're actually dating
Love requires:
- Asking if someone's eaten
- Accepting Tom rankings
- Paying for mysteriously sick mothers
- Understanding nothing but accepting everything
You were simultaneously the best and worst relationship I've had. Or didn't have. Still unclear.
Thai relationships exist in quantum state: Together and not together. Serious and casual. Meaningful and meaningless. Same same but different.
Wherever you are, Num (probably at som tam cart with Toms 4 through 7), I hope you've eaten already.
With confused love, Tom 2
P.S. Your mother added me on Facebook. She seems very healthy. Posts daily from casino. Please tell her I say hi.
Three years of Thai relationship education condensed into one letter. Names unchanged because there are too many Toms to matter.