Week 1: The Manifestation
Met Luna at Ecstatic Dance in Ubud. She wasn't dancing. She was "moving energy through sacred geometry." She had crystals in her hair, no shoes ever, and a German boyfriend named Klaus who sold cryptocurrency courses to digital nomads.
"You have beautiful energy," she said, which in Bali means either "I want to sleep with you" or "I want to sell you a sound healing session." Sometimes both.
"Thanks. You too."
"We were meant to meet. I manifested you."
"When?"
"This morning. During my cacao ceremony."
In Bali, everything is manifested. Parking spots, relationships, intestinal parasites. Nothing just happens.
Week 2: The Arrangement
"Klaus and I have an open relationship," Luna explained over $12 smoothie bowls that we photographed for 20 minutes before eating.
"Cool."
"But conscious. Not just fucking. Sacred energy exchange."
"What's the difference?"
"Intention."
Klaus joined us. Shook my hand. "You have good energy, brother."
In Bali, everyone's brother. Unless they're sister. Or "beautiful soul." Nobody has names.
"Luna told me about your connection," Klaus continued.
"Our... connection?"
"It's beautiful. I support it."
"Support what exactly?"
"Whatever needs to unfold."
Week 3: The Sacred Geometry
Luna and I had sex. Sorry, "merged our kundalini energies in sacred union."
Klaus was in the next room leading a Zoom workshop on "Abundance Mindset for Crypto Excellence."
"Is this weird?" I asked.
"Why would it be weird?"
"Your boyfriend is next door."
"He's not my boyfriend."
"You live together."
"We share space."
"You've been together three years."
"Time is illusion."
Every relationship in Bali exists in quantum state: Together but not, committed but free, exclusive but open, defined but flowing.
Week 4: The Integration
Moved into their villa. Didn't plan it. Luna suggested I stay one night because "the energy feels aligned." Never left.
Living arrangement:
- Luna and I: Sunrise yoga and tantra
- Klaus and Luna: Full moon rituals
- Klaus and I: Discussing why Bitcoin is consciousness evolution
- All three: Pretending this is normal
"Are we throuple?" I asked.
"Labels are violence," Luna said.
"But what do I tell people?"
"The truth."
"Which is?"
"We're exploring."
Month 2: The Ceremonies
Every week, different ceremony:
- Monday: Cacao ceremony (drinking chocolate seriously)
- Wednesday: Breathwork (hyperventilating to EDM)
- Friday: Sound bath (paying to hear bowls)
- Sunday: Integration circle (talking about other ceremonies)
Cost: $50-200 per ceremony Actual result: Confusion and debt Spiritual growth: Unmeasurable but definitely happening
"I don't feel different," I confessed.
"That's your ego resisting," Luna explained.
"Or maybe I just don't feel different."
"That's definitely your ego."
In Bali, everything you don't understand is your ego's fault.
Month 3: The Business
Luna and Klaus started a "conscious business": Sacred Sexuality Coaching for Conscious Couples.
Their qualifications:
- Luna: Two-week tantra course in India
- Klaus: YouTube videos
- Combined: Confidence of cult leaders
"You could join us," Luna suggested.
"I know nothing about tantra."
"You have authentic masculine energy."
"What does that mean?"
"We'll charge extra for you."
Became accidental sex coach. Taught breathing exercises I learned from YouTube to couples paying $500/session. Everyone pretended to have breakthroughs.
Month 4: The Other Partners
Luna manifested a Brazilian DJ named Rafael. Klaus connected with a Russian yoga teacher named Svetlana. I was assigned a Japanese reiki healer named Yuki who mostly wanted help with her website.
Villa population: 6 Relationships: Unclear Shower schedule: Warfare Refrigerator: Labeled containers everywhere
"This is getting complicated," I said.
"Complicated is just another word for rich," Luna responded.
"No, complicated is complicated."
"Your resistance is beautiful."
Everything in Bali is beautiful. Especially things that aren't.
Month 5: The Visa Run
Everyone's visa expired simultaneously. Flew to Singapore. Stayed in hostel because "hotels block energy flow."
Singapore immigration: "Purpose of visit to Singapore?" "Visa run." "Okay, purpose of return to Indonesia?" "Living there." "Working?" "No." (Lie) "How do you support yourself?" "Cryptocurrency." (Bigger lie) "Okay, three more months."
Entire Bali economy: People lying to immigration about cryptocurrency.
Month 6: The Breakdown
Klaus's crypto crashed. Luna's Instagram got banned for nudity (sorry, "artistic expression"). Rafael left for Goa. Svetlana turned out to have husband in Russia. Yuki just wanted website help.
"Maybe we should get real jobs," I suggested.
"Jobs are colonial violence," Luna said.
"But we need money."
"Money is energy. We need to align our energy."
"Our energy doesn't pay rent."
"Rent is capitalism."
"Our landlord is Balinese."
"Internalized capitalism."
Everything in Bali is capitalism's fault, even when it isn't.
Month 7: The Actual Balinese
Made friends with Wayan, our landlord. First actual Balinese friend.
"You know you're all crazy, right?" he said.
"We're exploring consciousness."
"You're playing dress-up."
"We're spiritual."
"You're children with credit cards."
He was right. Every Westerner in Bali is cosplaying enlightenment while Balinese people run actual businesses.
"Why do you rent to us then?"
"You pay triple. I have three kids in university."
Balinese wisdom: Let foreigners play spiritual while extracting maximum profit.
Month 8: The Departure
Klaus found new cryptocurrency to sell. Moved to Dubai. Luna manifested a retreat center owner. Moved to Costa Rica. I got dengue fever. Moved to hospital.
Wayan visited. Brought real food.
"You leaving Bali?"
"Maybe."
"Good. Bali is not for you."
"Why not?"
"You think too much. Bali is for people who stop thinking."
"That's enlightenment?"
"No. That's stupidity. But profitable stupidity."
Month 9: The Return
Left Bali. Came back. Bali does that.
New villa. New arrangement. Australian woman named Storm who makes herbal medicine from plants she can't identify.
"We should be conscious about this," she said.
"About what?"
"Us."
"There is no us. We just met."
"Soul recognition doesn't follow linear time."
Here we go again.
Current Status:
Living with Storm, her ex-boyfriend David (they're "consciously uncoupled but cohabitating"), and a rotating cast of facilitators, healers, and coaches.
My job: "Digital Marketing Shaman" (I fix websites) My spiritual growth: Learned to stop asking questions My bank account: Dying My parasites: Thriving
The Truth About Bali Relationships:
They're not relationships. They're temporary intersections of people avoiding real life. Everyone's "exploring" but nobody's finding. Everyone's "conscious" but nobody's aware.
The actual relationship is with Bali itself. It seduces you with beauty, empties your bank account, gives you parasites, and somehow you stay.
Because where else can you be a Digital Marketing Shaman living with someone named Storm in a villa you can't afford while pretending this is spiritual growth?
Only in Bali. The island where relationships go to become "conscious" and die.
Storm just suggested we try ayahuasca together. Klaus is visiting next week. Luna's pregnant (father unclear but "divinely chosen").
I'm saying yes to everything.
This is Bali: Where saying no means you're not spiritual enough.
One year of Balinese relationship education. Names changed except Wayan because every third Balinese man is named Wayan. Currently still manifesting financial stability.